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i am here for you

Welp, I’m back, after another blogging break where I just dropped off the face of the WordPress earth. I think these statements like “I’m back!” would be more appropriate had anyone noticed that I was gone in the first place, but you know. I noticed I was gone.

Today is July 15th. I’ve spent just over a month back home in my sleepy town in California, and I feel like I’ve gotten very little accomplished in this time. For fuck’s sake, I feel like I’ve gotten very little accomplished in the past year-slash-ALL OF MY LIFE. Where does this bizarre expectation/ambition come from? Is it just a ‘my personality’ thing or is it a product of being asked when I was little where the last 2% on a test I got a 98 on went? Who fuckin’ knows.

I’m thinking about things like – how to take care of myself. Where to draw the line between pushing myself and letting myself rest. How to shift the foundations of how I think so I can breathe easy. What kind of person I want to become.

It’s just you and me today, blog universe. So let’s sit and I’ll pour out my heart, my uncertain, frantic, depressed heart, and maybe I’ll glean something from it after it’s all done.

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A lot of the time people will tell you they’re “here for you”. They’re here if you want to talk, if you want to cry, if you want to be distracted. I want to be “here for you”, too, only “you” is “myself”. So I guess that would make it here for me. I need to be here for myself, because I am the biggest constant in my life; I am my own home.

I want to work on being present and conscious. I’m very focused on how lacking I am, and so I’m constantly not really “there”, wherever “there” may be at that time. I’m not touching smelling tasting seeing hearing whatever is happening, because I’m thinking about where I think I should be instead of where I am. I’m fixated on how to get there, and where that actually is, what that actually entails. But I’m only breathing now – I’m in constant conflict with myself and the present, because all I’m thinking of is how lacking it is and how I can change it for the future. I want to stop and let myself be. (i.e. subtweeting myself @maxine CAN SHE LIVE) I live in my head so damn much, always talking to myself up in that noggin (another subtweet I’d like to direct @maxine y do u talk like an old man from the Highlands), and I want to get out sometimes. It’s hard shutting yourself up though, when I could replay hours of awkward exchanges on command. (I can even do that unsolicited. Hours upon hours of saying the wrong thing and doing the worst thing, comin’ right up! Roll in for a full theatrical masterpiece of self-loathing!) My point is: I want to get out of my head, stop constantly being unhappy with myself, and let myself LIVE.

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There’s a line to draw here, though, and it’s subtle and blurred and I have no idea where the line actually is. The line might even not be a line at all! It could be dots!!! Very small and very close together!! At the same time I’m letting myself just be, I want to be bettering myself. Are these two ideas fundamentally at odds? I have a feeling they might be, but I don’t want them to be like that. I want to live at peace with myself, while also constantly striving to craft a life I am at home in. That’s a balance I think I’ll be figuring out for the rest of my life, but goddamn if I don’t want to arrive at the rest of my life right the fuck now, instead of stuck in this place I feel like is a stagnant, festering cesspit of a dental waiting room.

But!!! There is no such thing as the waiting room. I was listening to an episode of the Monocycle podcast, hosted by the one and only Leandra of Man Repeller (we are on a first name basis because she’s one of those Internet greats that spawn deep internal questions like, “What would Leandra do? Clash patterns?”), on a walk home through Kensington Gardens when I was still in London. This was a while ago, because it was still chilly and I remember wearing gloves and having to yank them off quickly because I needed to get down what she was saying. The thing I wrote down, the thing that I’m trying desperately to get my thick head to understand, is that the waiting room doesn’t exist. I can’t just be “waiting” for my life to happen. This period of stagnancy is still my life, this period where I feel lost and adrift in an ocean – it’s still my life! My life isn’t on pause. It hasn’t stopped patiently, waiting for me to get back on my tricycle and keep plodding along. My life is the waiting room; my waiting room is life.

I can’t just “wait” to be called out of this waiting room. This is something I’m going to need to figure the fuck out of by myself. There are doors and escape paths, and I just need to find them. I’m here for me. I’m the only one who is going to give myself everything I’ve got.

File Jul 15, 19 45 59

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hey friends!

It’s been a while. Sheepish laugh follows.

I’m writing to you from the dining table of an Airbnb in London, England. I’m two days away from moving into the dorms at the University of Edinburgh, and ten days away from the semester starting. I thought I’d check in here beforehand.

The last week or so has been filled with doubts and fears and worries about my academic career, my future social life, my ability to cook rice; anything I could possibly worry about, I have worried about. I’m wondering if this is the right choice, the right path for me to go down, and I’m wondering if I’ll be too prideful to admit that to myself should that be the case. There’s nothing to do but wait and see, though, so I guess that’s just what I’ll have to do for now – take a deep breath and plunge in, and hope I don’t drown in the process.

Thanks for listening, Void That We Call The Internet. You’re always here for me.

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2016, what’s good

So, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged here. I’m not sure what to say about this, but I feel I need to apologize – I’m not sure who to (myself?) and I’m not sure what to say (I’m a lazy ass?), but I thought I’d throw that out there. Acknowledge it, and bulldoze forward.

I flew home from China about a week ago, and my jet lag’s just about all taken care of. I’ve caught up with friends, spent some quality time with my cats, and rejoiced in the salads available at every restaurant. Since it’s a new year and all, I wanted to take some time to think about 2016, and what I want out of it. And, of course, yell my thoughts into the void we call ‘this blog’.

For starters, I’ll be going to college in September, and I’ll be moving cities and countries and goddamn continents to do so. I’m excited and terrified, and at any given moment in time one outweighs the other by a hair, so I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. Right now I’m excited; the prospect of exploring a new city, learning the public transportation system there, and settling into a new routine that signals the start of my ‘college life’ is everything I want to be doing, and everything I can’t be doing right now.

Which brings me to, well, right now. I’ll be (stuck?) in my sleepy ol’ Northern California city until I move to Edinburgh, so I’ll have to fill up my time here. I want to get a job – my first job, so we’ll see how that goes and who wants to hire me aka a girl with no marketable job skills or experience – and learn new things and tackle all the recipes and DIY projects I’ve been pinning for the past, god, five years. And with this blog, I’ll document my attempts at building a garment rack, figuring out how a beautyblender works, and otherwise just muddling through the aisles of Home Depot. I’ll be traveling as well, of course, because if someone gives me the opportunity to travel, I’ll always seize it, so memories of places I go, whether they’re a couple hours or a couple days away, will be stashed here, too.

All in all, it’s going to be a wild year, dudes – I can feel it. We’ve got big things lying ahead of us, and I’m hyped to meet it all headfirst. It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt this way, and I’m very excited to just be feeling excited about the new year at all. So – 2016, let’s do this!

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an introduction

I always thought I would make a real, live blog someday – when I became a cool adult, or a hip New Yorker, or just someone with their life together and interesting things to share. I am now an adult in the eyes of the law, and although I’m not cool or a New Yorker, I thought I’d settle down in this corner of the internet and, uh, blog.

So, here comes the introduction part of this post. I’m Maxine – I’m an eighteen-year-old human girl who normally lives in Northern California with her family. I graduated high school in June, and right now I’m taking a gap year before I go off to college. For half of this gap year (until January), I’ll be in China, learning Mandarin Chinese, because although I am Chinese, my language skills in that arena are close to nonexistent. In the fall of 2016, I’ll go off to the University of Edinburgh in Scotland to study law and social anthropology. As that field of study implies, I’m interested in rights and equality and intersectional feminism, as well as trends and whatnot within societies. On a less academic note, I’m also interested in stationery, nail polish, potatoes of any variety, traveling, cats, and clothes.

And now you know a little bit more about me, but still next to nothing about this blog. To tell the truth, I know next to nothing about this blog. What is its purpose? Why is it here? What will happen on here? Will it even be worth maintaining? These are all mysteries to me, as well as you. The most concrete thing I have in mind is that I want this space to be fun and freeing, and to act as a time capsule when I feel like yelling things into the void we call ‘the web’.

That’s all I’ve got for now, so see ya next time, folks!

Max

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